Why I'm so tired today

Buendia called me last night. Midnight, actually. To apologize. It was surreal. When the phone rings in the middle of the night, I tend to reach for it automatically, without even waking up. And he asnwered the phone in an expectant monotone; "hi." As if I hadn't erased him from my phone and should know immediately who it was calling me at 11:51 on a Wednesday, two months after we broke up. Maybe it sounds silly that I erased him from my phone, but it was to preserve myself. Any temptation to call him would have been a temptation to beg, and I don't ever want to put myself in that position of indignity.

We spoke for over an hour, and I don't even know about what. How many times can he apologize and justify, how many times can I ask the same questions? "I got scared," he said, "I don't think I know how to love after Barbara. I'm in a dark place. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I'm hurting," were my responses, "why are you calling?"

I wanted to tell him that the time we spent together were my only sunny summer days. I wanted to tell him that I'm ill at the thought of staying here one more year, yet afraid to get up and go. I wanted to tell him that in his place popped up 3 boys I don't know how to handle - one who wants me, one who I want, and one, well, I'm sure in the years we've known each other we've never known what we want from each other. I wanted someone to listen to me explain why work is killing me right now, and the escapist medication and alcohol are not helping.

"I haven't been sleeping," he said. I've been sleeping, Nic; I've been sleeping too much. I'm tired and listless, and he helped to put some of that into motion. Or lack of motion, rather. His dropping out of my life brought up all these questions that I've asked repeatedly and have yet to compile any answers.

To what extent do I need my family nearby?
How do I make new friends and challenge myself socially?
What do I think my value as an employee is and should be?
Do I want to move forward to higher education now or later? Or ever?
How much can I rely on medication, conversation and exercise to purge my demons?
How do I learn to trust myself in relationships?
When will I realize my own self-worth?

This growing up stuff is awkward. Painful. Sometimes terribly exciting. When I was little, I imagined that all problems would be easily solved, that there would be no more turmoil or insecurities. Hmph.