Milwaukee Pride, Pt. 2

But here I am. Here I've been for two years.

I've felt something of a panic stirring inside me for a few months, and although I always feel restless as the seasons change, I guess I've decided to start doing something about it. Because, at the same time that I am making long-term plans to move away, I'm also making short-term plans to understand and perhaps one day appreciate the where and now. (Even when it's the there and then.)

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about one pro of Milwaukee. In almost any other city, I would feel undeserving of starting a craft or a business. Intimidated or excluded, somehow. But Milwaukee, it seems, encourages a DIY mindset. It encourages community-building and local initiatives, or is fertile for them, if not necessarily encouraging. This seems like a response to what seems to me a widespread Midwestern apathy and support for the status quo. Midwestern citizens, those with the gumption, choose to fight the overwhelming mediocrity, in some small pockets.

But still, I don't want to remain here.

Why? Because of a promise I made myself.

One friend said, in a soothing voice when I freaked out about getting "stuck here," that accepting a full-time job isn't getting stuck. It's just taking an important and necessary step, perhaps even in the very direction to get out of here.

Another friend says, would you be any happier somewhere else? Maybe you need to figure out why you have that restless drive in the first place before you can ever be happy in one place or another.

There are a number of social reactions in Milwaukee in response to negative situations. Take for instance the state of segregation in this city. Nationally, Milwaukee is often recognized as the most segregated city in the country, earning it the tag of "hypersegregated." And yet, nowhere else have I seen such a high rate of biracial couples and mixed babies, except maybe in Brazil. Sometimes, especially when the officials claim responsibility for the breaking down of these social barriers, I holler out epithets in the gyst of "hypocrites!" And sometimes I feel all warm and fuzzy and teetering on the edge of pro-Milwaukee feelings.

At this point, though, I'm not sure if my drive to leave is anything more than the promise I made myself. Spending time with people who have chosen Milwaukee over other cities, people who whoop and holler when asked Who loves Milwaukee? Sometimes, I feel a sense of protectiveness for this city, if not quite love. It's true, I do have to examine my own heart before I can ever really be happy anywhere, so why not do that in the silly town I grew up in? After all, I did choose to come back here because I knew gaining a better self-perspective would be hard somewhere as distracting as New York or as insular as Northampton.

But what is also true is that I may never be satisfied until I heed my own wishes. Mostly, I don't want to make a permanent home out of the place where I grew up. Because I want wider horizons than that. It would be too easy to remain, and I don't know that I can learn as much as I want about life if I don't challenge myself, and that includes uprooting and maybe displacing myself. I don't know where I got that idea, but it's the main drive behind my restlessness.


Besides, who wants to raise their kids in the exact streets they grew up on? Too familiar. Too incestual and weird.