A Week of Eating Dangerously

I've been feeling somewhat heavy lately. Not in a weight sense, but in other ways. Spiritually, almost. Like, because I'm rather broke, and because I've been sleeping badly and consequently exhausted and lazy after work, I've been throwing together quick and dissatisfying meals. And that weighs me down somehow. Not being able to control what I eat has a big impact on my life. I think about food all the time; after eating one meal, or very often during, I'll plan the next, and not being able to afford the energy or ingredients I like means spiritually heavy meals. Like a quick fuck, it satisfies some immediate need, but does not quench the desire. And I know that the food/sleeping cycle will only spiral downwards if I don't address it soon.

I became a vegetarian in 8th grade because of that desire to take control of my culinary life (if no other part), and there were years when I was more diligent than others. I entered a pattern of weight yo-yoing which has negatively affected my self-image. So, while eating carefully may not serve as a weight-loss diet exactly (and I'm no longer sure that's what I aim for), it certainly affects my self-perception.

So I kept telling myself, and of course ignoring my own advice, that I should make a food diary. Perhaps not long-term, maybe just a week would be sufficient, but I've needed to hold myself accountable. When I did so last spring, yes, I did lose 30 or 40 pounds, but more importantly, I felt in control. I felt responsible. I felt fucking great.

But lately, I've been resting on my laurels and my eating habits (with the help of birth control pills taking my hormones out of my relative control) have been out of my own control.

So, I'm going to start a little cuisine experiment. The first step will be to record my eating habits. Everything I eat, starting next Monday. And maybe, though I'm not sure how to begin, record how eating has made me feel. But I will not alter what I eat. Yet.

Then, I will do some things I've wanted to do for a while. One is to make my way through a cookbook. But since I'm calling this my week of eating dangerously, I'll most likely choose previously untried recipes from my shelf-full of cookbooks, and cook them, regardless of who I'm sharing it with (because as of late, I've let the idea that I'm cooking for one stop me from joyful cooking.)

Another thing I'd like to do is make some cooking experiments. This involves other people. (My favorite activity: sitting down to a table with good people and good food.) I'd like to have a group of people arrive with any ingredient, and for the group of us to think of ways to create a meal out of - hopefully - disparate ingredients.

So these are my first thoughts on eating. I'll work from there.