Ach. Tuesday morning, September 2nd, 2008. Yesterday I was sitting in the park, under a tree, eating a sandwich, watching people go by, and I realized that I no longer see much sparkle in the world. I'm not charmed by much anymore; no more of those gasping "wow, life is great" feelings. And I hesitate to claim that it's because I haven't been drinking or taking drugs as much as I once did, but it's the easy thing to blame. What's more likely is that it's really my self-control. I haven't allowed myself to let go; to get stupid, to make mistakes, to feel and be utterly sloppy about it.
I was talking to Alley several weeks ago, trying to define how I've been doing lately, and I finished my description with "I guess I've just been feeling lonely lately," and she agreed, adding that maybe that's just a part of growing up. Is that true? Is part of being an adult really exemplified by a pervasive loneliness and a loss of enchantment?
I want that sparkle back. Daydreams and wishes and magic and myths. I've tried to get it back by reading graphic novels, but it's like heroin (like I'd know): after one hit, you're forced to keep seeking desperately to tap into that transporting feeling. Am I actually saying that graphic novels are transporting? Well, any well-written piece of literature is, any well-made film.
Veronica Chambers from The Root called it the Grand Life, I think. That joy and humor and grace.
I started writing about this, but didn't post it here; about heroes, people who keep that dazzle and delight. Like Maya Angelou, James Baldwin, Bobby McFerrin, Shel Silverstein, Billie Holiday, and Stephen Hawking. All these people make me want to enjoy life. Maybe I should spend time seeking out ways to live up to that.
If you're reading this, how do you find that dazzle in your world?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I seek connections—between people, things, everything. Figuring out relationships is somehow satisfying for me. It gives me a sense of understanding, but in so doing it becomes obvious how small I really am. To be aware of that can be both isolating and inspirational (often both) but I try to breathe enthusiasm into everything I do, and inspire others to seek those things that mystify them. I hope that made sense...
Post a Comment