Why I'm Not Going to the mNSC Meeting Tonight

For weeks I've asked myself at every meeting of the mNSC, in an accusatory voice, Why are you doing this? Some part of me felt persecuted - no: under scrutiny. As if somehow I was not a legitimate member. I didn't care in the right way, I wasn't dedicated to the right degree. My body may have been there, it may have been useful for lifting and lugging, but I wasn't quite right in the social scheme.

I always have to acknowledge that in deploring someone elses' sense of superiority over others that the heart of the issue may be my own sense of inferiority.

However, how I'd really come to view the mNSC meetings were as social gatherings. A slim few, a small core, were pumped, were dedicated to setting goals and achieving them, but somehow the remainder was there only to meet with like-minded people and had no real goals to accomplish. Which is alright, but there seemed to be a denial of this designation.

What I'd like to see is this group of kids acknowledging within themselves why they are members, what they personally wish to achieve. But who am I to question the motives of others? Can I answer my own questions?

I joined mNSC out of hope. Hope to meet new people, hope to physically bash down some racial walls, hope to woo the heart of someone unexpected. Why did I remain? I clung to the former and latter while becoming disillusioned with the remainder.

I guess that this post really is about is this:

Why is social/racial reform important to me? Growing up biracial in one of the most stringently segregated American cities, I became self-obsessed. Race became my banner, my ten under which all other issues gathered in my mind. Even when I harbor a secret doubt that racism can ever be eliminated - or perhaps because of this reason - I fight. A losing battle? Against myself, indoctrinated by and beneficiary of of the racist institution. Against my peers, post-modern, post-civil rights ironical defeatists. Against society, self-perpetuating and self-congratulatory.

What am I fighting for if I don't think there's an end? I'm fighting for the fight. In all other subjects, I am unwilling to face the possibility of confrontation; on the subject of race, I'll battle, tooth and nail.

My dad said last night that Sarah Palin is so unimpressive because she has no philosophy behind her words. Without a philosophy, he said, a person cannot answer questions on the fly. Do I have a philosophy? I do see racism as an institution; on which is structured to underprivilege the brown and boost the pale. Economically, biologically, academically, psychologically. There is so much history I do not know, but I have a voracious appetite to learn. My solution has long been to foster discussion; and it still is. Until discussion becomes repetitive, and I am easily bored. After discussion comes direct action; constantly innovative direct action. There must be philosophers, planners, and actors, right?

I was going to write a two paragraph explanation for why I'm not going to tonight's mNSC meeting, but now this.

What is my philosophy? We're all dirtied by the institution. We all have chosen our own fight, I have chosen race. Maybe I fight out of guilt. The tragic mulatto, that's me. But I can only hope that as long as I recognize my biases, and avoid harming anyone because of them, then I've fought the good fight.

Whatever that is.

What do I personally wish to achieve? A Milwaukee that provides children with the opportunities I had and didn't have. A Milwaukee known less for its beer and cheese and racial segregation, and known rather for its successful artistic initiatives, its progressive educational policies, its encouraging economic climate.

The words in the mission statement of the mNSC are beautiful. This gathering of young, white middle class hopefuls so promising. But historically, I would be wary of that very group, myself (half-white that I am) included. We may wreak more havoc than foster positive social relationships if we aren't careful.

I can only hope. And keep fighting.

Questions of legitimacy aside, I would like the kids in mNSC to become more accountable, more self-aware, more organized, less defensive. For instance, a group cannot become a sustainable, reliable non-profit if the members are unwilling to designate some small structure. For instance, a group of white, middle class kids cannot successfully fight racial and economic injustice by providing free culture for kids just like themselves. For instance, progress cannot be made if different ideas will not be entertained.
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